We all long for a perfect life filled with beauty, goodness, joy, and peace, but the harsh reality is that in this imperfect world, such a life is an illusion. While some people’s traumas may seem ‘bigger’ or ‘worse’ in society’s eyes, the impact it has on you, the ‘recipient’ or ‘victim’ of this trauma, is your personal ‘biggest’ and ‘worst.’
My world came to a standstill one Friday morning in my forties when I accidentally discovered I had been adopted. Never in my wildest dreams or throughout my upbringing had there been any hint, sign, or word. The revelation hit me like a shot of cold water, leaving me speechless, paralysed, confused, sad, and in disbelief. My parents had decided never to tell me that I came from their hearts, not my mother’s womb.
Determined to uncover my origins and understand how I ended up on this earth, I began my search. Through a family member, I was led to Magdalena Huis, where my inquiries started. I worried whether my documentation would still exist, fearing it might have been lost or damaged. The social worker asked for some time to search, but it wasn’t long before she informed me that my file had been found.
Understanding the process they follow, it was still difficult for me to accept that, at my age, I needed my sick, elderly parents’ permission to access the information. After all, it is MY life documented within the pages of that brown government file!
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life, but in hindsight, I know it was the right thing to do.
Thus began the process of connecting with my biological mother. This process is very strictly managed, and in my case, technological challenges created many obstacles. At times, I felt that the process was unnecessarily delayed and prolonged. The waiting and wondering, especially after such a tremendous shock, was a breeding ground for dark thoughts.
Almost exactly five months after discovering the truth, I had my first direct contact with my biological mother, following a period of censored correspondence managed by the social worker.
Now, some 18 months after the day that changed everything, yet kept everything the same, there are still moments when disbelief overwhelms me. The questions and wonder can bring tears to my eyes. However, I also feel a deep gratitude that, even at this relatively late stage in life, I had the opportunity to locate and meet my biological mother and find answers to many questions. While there are alternative ways to initiate contact, I would never recommend showing up unannounced with the words, “Hello, I think you’re my mom” or “I think you’re my child.” The immeasurable damage and shock this could cause are unimaginable.
The role of a century-plus-old institution like Magdalena Huis in facilitating this process cannot be underestimated. It is a time of great tension and shock, with much uncertainty about who might be on the other side of that ‘search’—potentially more trauma and sadness.
I firmly believe that the right time to tell a child they are adopted is from the very beginning. Looking back on my life, there is no “best” time to find out—at least not when I did. I learned the truth during an already traumatic period when I was extremely fragile due to overwhelming sadness. I had just started my own business amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, which was not the ideal time for such a revelation. But then again, when would have been a good time?
I don’t blame my adoptive parents for not telling me. I know I was placed exactly where I needed to be. I had a wonderful, protected, carefree, and loving childhood that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Every day is a new beginning, and I give myself grace for the ups and downs. I’m learning that it’s okay to set boundaries to protect my heart. I don’t have to—and can’t—be everything to everyone. It’s perfectly fine to put yourself first sometimes.
I am grateful for institutions like Magdalena Huis and the visionary work of Emma Murray. While a perfect life doesn’t exist, the lives that have been touched over the past century—the joy brought to childless couples, the safety provided to unwanted children, and the haven for pregnant girls and women in distress—have all been guided by a Higher Hand with a purposeful intent.
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